Testomony

Inspired by the work of Rhodessa Jones I have begun thinking of and experimenting with ideas for my final performance. From her work I have taken the idea of gathering testimonies from others to create a performance. I have researched online around the subject area of eating disorders, mainly anorexia nervosa and bulimia to collect stories from sufferers of eating disorders.

I have started to investigate stories posted online on various organisations websites such as the NHS, websites containing information about eating disorders, schools and college’s websites and magazine articles. I have noticed  common themes within these stories: that those who wrote them were often trying to take control of an aspect of their life, some felt they started by ‘innocently dieting,’ most agreed that they lost control and became completely obsessed with losing weight, whether by choosing not to eat and/or choosing to purge. Most enjoyed losing weight at first; some of those who have bulimia enjoyed the idea of being able to eat anything that they wanted. Most realised that they needed to seek help, some got more ill than others before they realised this, some even thought about dying.

The voice overs of these stories will create a central motif holding together different aspects of my performance. I will be playing with control, obsession with food and exercise not only physically but also with imagery. From practising the first element of my performance I have realised that I will need more stories, with possibly larger pauses and that I should perhaps read them more slowly allowing the audience to take them in. I also feel I need to read them as if they are a thought in my head, pause as if thinking, mix up words and so on, this I feel with show authenticity, as these stories are real confessions.

Currently, I feel structurally my performance can be broken down in to five main sections, these will be broken up, either with pauses or a repetitive act to link them together, and my choice will be made through working on this piece.  I wish to work on it by enacting each of the five elements of the piece one at a time starting with the first one, playing with them, working out what to take out and add in, what works, how the audience react to this, how long the piece is, what voice overs I should use, how many and so on. I can then build up the performance by adding each element together until I have the whole performance. This way I will know how each bit works individually and how all the pieces can work together. As each section will be refined it will be easier to sort out any technical requirements, particularly how many voice overs I need, which order the stories need to be in, how they should be played, i.e. on separate cues or as a run with set pauses.

The first section currently runs as follows (as it is bound to change following feedback and audience reaction):

As the audience enters the room they will either find me brushing my hair in the mirror or the audience will already be in the room and I will enter after them, walk up to the mirror take a moment to look at myself then begin brushing my hair. I will take my time over it, running my fingers through it. Then the stories will begin to play, I continue to brush my hair for a while then pause, staring at my reflection. I slowly put down the brush and begin to look at my body, stroking my face and arms, observing every inch. I touch the mirror and touch my face; I roll my top up, breathing in and out, breathing in as hard as possible and feeling my ribs, holding my waist there. I start to push down “fat areas” grab at them with my hands as if disgusted, eventually I stomp to the table grab a pen and draw circles around all of these areas like a plastic surgeon preparing a patient for liposuction. I throw the pen on the floor angrily, erratic  I pull down my top with force, hugging my arms stroking where I’ve drawn, as I calm down I brush my hair again as before, very calmly as if nothing has happened.

In fact just thinking now, perhaps calmly brushing my hair in the mirror could be a repetitive motif that I use to break up each section. As this would be something so simple amongst the madness, a feeling of control, in an out of control spiral. As I begin this way it could work well as a continued element throughout the piece.

Section Two:

I get down on to the floor and begin to exercise, crunches, press-ups, knee lifts and the plank in counts of eight. I begin slowly and calmly and put more force and speed in to it as I repeat the exercise, to the point of collapsing on the floor, during the final plank. Again I calm myself down as before, and then move on to the next section.

Section Three:

In this section I will be playing with food, I will be looking at calories, picking food up, smelling it, tasting it, and stopping myself from eating it, then having to eat some again. I will be experimenting with how I eat, what I eat, how much I eat etc. and showing the complicated relationship between the individual and food.  I will pick up a cracker and eat a bite so small you can barely see it, then break it and drop it on the floor and so on. I want the audience to almost will me to eat something properly. As before, I start to become more erratic as the section goes on and have to calm myself down.

Section Four:

After calming myself down, I will make the decision to throw away all the food in to the bin, I will mark starve on the tally on the wall (Tally on the wall with “Starve” and “Gorge”) and then sit down calmly, I become restless, I start tapping, then fidgeting, pacing , walking towards the bin and back.

Section Five:

I give in crawl to the bin and grab it and greedily eat the food out of it, I eat it messily, getting it everywhere. I start smelling food, gulping down drink, stuffing it in. Then I will stand up, pause to look at myself mark gorge on the tally then either stand still until the last voice over plays out, or return to the beginning of the performance.

Here is a list of all of the stories I have collected so far, to which I will need to add many more:

“It started as innocent dieting, if there is such a thing. I was trying to be healthier, watching what I ate, and it slowly turned in to an obsession. Pretty soon I’d cut out so many nutrients that I didn’t have the wherewithal to be like this, this is so messed up. I was really sick.” 

(http://www.drrobynsilverman.com/body-image/eating-disorders-interview-high-schoolers-use-their-challenges-to-inspire-others/)

“I could always make excuses not to eat. But if I felt myself needing to eat, I ate the bare minimum to keep from passing out or fainting. Crackers or coffee were an easy way to hold myself over to the next time I felt faint. I knew what I was doing wasn’t good, but the empty feeling in my stomach was addictive to me.”

(http://www.womenshealth.gov/news/spotlight/2012/4.cfm)

“There have been times when I definitely have been tempted to get rid of my dinner. But I will deal with it for the rest of my life, because it’s a lifelong disease. I don’t think there is going to be a day when I don’t think about food or my body, but I’m living with it.”

(http://www.seventeen.com/health/demi-lovato-interview)

“Eating disorders are diseases of silence. We are all silently screaming for something, attention, love, help, escape or forgiveness. Although we might be looking to fill different voids, we never ask for the things we need. We feel unworthy, that for some reason we don’t deserve them. So, we play the game of guess what I need from you. You’re inability to guess just feeds our feelings of worthlessness.”

(http://www.caringonline.com/feelings/byvictims/)

“We all think of just one “goal” and that is to be thin. We can’t see anything else such as dying and that is what we need to realise. You can die and no one wrote this on their website, maybe because they didn’t get scared. I did.”

(http://www.psychforums.com/bulimia-nervosa/topic66355.html)

“One day at lunch, I ate my starter, main course and dessert, followed by a quadruple brandy and I got rid of the lot. I weighed myself when I got home and thought it was fantastic. I could eat and drink whatever I wanted and didn’t put on any weight. But, of course. It wasn’t fantastic at all.”

(http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Bulimia/Pages/Steves-story.aspx)

“Nothing in my life seemed to be right. I started to think that perhaps if I lost some weight and improved my fitness, things would change for the better. I assumed that thin people had fantastic lives and I could too.”

(http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Anorexia-nervosa/Pages/Realstorypg.aspx)

“As I began to lose weight I started to feel that life was worth living. At last I seemed to be achieving something. A voice began to whisper in my ear, and as I lost more weight, it became louder. Eventually, it was all I could hear. Nothing mattered more than satisfying the voice’s need for weight loss and, ultimately, perfection.”

(http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Anorexia-nervosa/Pages/Realstorypg.aspx)

“My weight dropped from 8.5st to under 5st. My hair fell out, my skin cracked and bled, my bones ached and my periods stopped. I was also cycling between 13km (eight miles) and 24km (15 miles) a day to satisfy anorexia’s need for exercise. But I still didn’t believe I was thin enough. When I looked in the mirror, a mound of blubber stared back.”

(http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Anorexia-nervosa/Pages/Realstorypg.aspx)

If anyone has any stories that they would like to share regarding their own experiences of eating disorders, please feel free to send me a private message on here or email me at 08159689@students.lincoln.ac.uk . Only the words of your stories will be used as a voice over, any names and other personal details will be strictly confidential. Thank you.

 

Works Cited

Caring to help others (2011) Please Read my Story and Stop Being Bulimic, Online: http://www.psychforums.com/bulimia-nervosa/topic66355.html (accessed: 10 February 2013).

Caring Online (2010) Eating Disorder Stories: Stories of Victims of Anorexia, Online: http://www.caringonline.com/feelings/byvictims (accessed: 10 February 2013).

Silverman, Robyn (2008) Eating Disorders Revealed: Interview with High Schoolers Who Used Their Challenge to Inspire Others, Online: http://www.drrobynsilverman.com/body-image/eating-disorders-interview-high-schoolers-use-their-challenges-to-inspire-others/ (accessed: 12 February 2013).

NHS Choices (2012) Anorexia Nervosa: Katie’s Story, Online: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Anorexia-nervosa/Pages/Realstorypg.aspx (accessed: 11 February 2013).

NHS Choices (2012) Bulimia: Steve’s Story, Online: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Bulimia/Pages/Steves-story.aspx (accessed: 11 February 2013).

Seventeen Magazine (2011) Exclusive Interview: Demi Lovato, Online: http://www.seventeen.com/health/demi-lovato-interview (accessed: 12 February 2013).

Women’s Health (2012) An Interview About Eating Disorders: Krista Barlow, Online: http://www.womenshealth.gov/news/spotlight/2012/4.cfm (accessed: 10 February 2013).